OSCARS 2000: "MERCURY MUST HAVE BEEN IN RETROGRADE" WHEN THEY WROTE IT

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Aside from all the missing Oscar statuettes, embarassing staged photo ops, lack of appropriate nominations, etc., the one positive feature of the Oscars 2000 was Billy Crystal's insistence on brevity and keeping the nonetheless excruciating procedure as swiftly-executed as possible.

Nonetheless, there were enough surreal moments to keep me entertained. Jane Fonda's Freudian slip, saying that she would"prevent/present" an award to Andrej Wajda will doubtless fascinate film-loving psychiatrists for years to come.
Angelina (Not So) Jolie, it was so considerate of you to thank Jon Voight for being "the world's greatest dad" after your 13,000 interviews to the press in which you repeatedly stated that you saw him 3X in your life while he was living in Amsterdam, incurring brain-damage by ingesting legal drugs. However, thanks is in order: he made you a superstar, despite your complete lack of talent or charisma.

The constant references to the incipient birth ofAnnette Bening's fourth child embodied the essence of Hollywood Narcissism... no mature adult who is neither a friend nor relative of the Bening/Beatty family should be emotionally-involved with Annette's well-publicized offspring.

I was pleased that Hilary Swank won, although grateful that she did not reprise her "Golden Globes"acceptance speech in which she thanked her husband, Chad "Melrose Place" Lowe for being "the creative inspiration of her life." Actually, this time she forgot to mention him entirely. Is that why he was sobbing?

Roberto Beningni, please return to Italy, where you can be not funny there. Gracie. Prego.

Ashley Judd: You are a bizarre anomaly, so in the future, might you kindly refrain from all those "sassy" comments, as if you, too, were a major Hollywood "player". The live and television audience was collectively relieved that you chose not to reveal what John Leguizamo refers to as "the vaginga" in this year's Oscar's gown.

Warren Beatty: Sister Shirley's "Golden Globes" astrological analysis of Barbara Streisand was much more enjoyable than your nervous drone.

As for the rest of the cast and nominations, I'm glad John Irving won... he reminded me to make my yearly contribution to NARAL. I don't think people should be encouraged to practice medecine without a license, however, even though most licensed doctors don't practice medecine anyway. His movie, "The Cider House Rots", along with "The Longest Mile" both contained yet mo illiterate but good-hearted (or incest-perpetrating) Black folks who caints talks o reads but is good with de knifes and knows tings even de white folks don't know dey is feeling, sending African-American viewers screaming,"Miz Daisy!!" and creating ever more Farrakhan supporters.

To the grim, humorless, arrogant Denzel Washington: I used to like you, now I hate you. Did you see Sally Field making fun of herself on that Internet Stock advertisement? That took guts, and she's had plenty of them throughout her entire career (could people just consider her oeuvre and stop dissing her already???) Read Greek mythology: Hubris is the fatal flaw. Read this: Humorlessness insults fans.
Meryl Streep: I once worshipped you, now I loathe you for standing up and clapping last year for Evil Elia. Despite your compulsion to mention "your four children" in every interview you have done since they materialized, you couldn't even summon up the skills to act as if you remotely understood Billy Crystal's reference to "the designated hitter". Maybe you might want to listen to your three daughters and one son when they talk to you about sports.

John Corigliano: You are correct, Sir. Kindly remain where you are most comfortable, in the exalted world of the pure artists who create classical music. We will be greatly relieved if you do not deign to tolerate pesky interruptions in your schedule, such as receiving Academy Awards. And yet...oddly, your speech sounded so well-"rehearsed".

I'm glad Alan Ball outed himself as a plagiarist for ripping off "Sunset Boulevard" in "America Bite Me" in his speech about how Billy Wilder was his biggest influence. Alan Ball, you're no Billy Wilder.

Kevin Spacey could at least have thanked the man who jump-started his career by giving him the sensational 10-arc role of Mel Proffit in "Wiseguy" (currently being re-run weekends on Court-T.V.),and who also discovered Johnny Depp and put him on "21 Jump Street", Stephen J. Cannell.

This is my 1999 Best Movie List: Man on the Moon (Which should have aced Best Actor for the endlessly-astounding Jim Carrey.)

Topsy-Turvy (My second favorite...at least The Academy recognized its merits.)

Being John Malkovich: Can a film possibly be hipper?

This is My Father (When will Aidan Quinn get the Oscar he deserves?)

The Limey (Just plain brilliant.)

Cruel Intentions (A non-guilty pleasure to see Sarah Michelle Gellar saying, "Eat me, you dickhead" and it was well-written, acted and directed, too, with a kick-ass sountrack.)

last from the Past (Why did no one see this gem explaining why so many kids in their 20's today think they know everything, yet actually know nothing,and have no manners, with Christopher Walken in hysterically-funny mode?)

Bowfinger (Eddie Murphy playing a doofus, Steve Martin playing a slime-ball. Case closed.)

Fight Club: Brilliant dialogue. Brad Pitt was better than the over-hyped Ed Norton.

All About My My Mother (You can have two tits and a dick and still be a person. You can be a Jet and a Shark. A Hutu and a Tutsi. A Serb and a Croat. An Arab and a Jew.)

The King of Masks (I forgot the name of the little Chinese girl who starred in it, but I loved the way she shouted "Yay-yeh! Yay-yeh!")
I did, however, learn one invaluable tip from Pedro ("Excuse me, I am exhausted from receiving 22 awards for my movie." Excuse me, Pedro, please just thank your actors, your brother, and stop "acting" lamer than Beningni) Almodovar: laurel sprigs bring good luck.

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