I AM SAM

In this moronic movie, Sean Penn, who should know better, plays severely-retarded Sam Dawson.

I Am Sam... Sam has fathered a normal daughter, Lucy (Dakota Fanning). He works steadily at Starbuck's and has also cultivated a loyal retarded peer-group network.

Sam and the gang obsessively sing Beatles tunes, simply because the director has proclaimed herself a Beatles afficionado.

Agoraphobic neighbour Annie (Dianne Wiest) proffers child-rearing tips. Between the gang's and Wiest's advice, and his own unerring paternal impulses, Sam earns Lucy's unconditional love.

The hertefore absentee child welfare authorities realize that a little girl needs competent parents "eight days a week". They wrench Lucy away from her distraught dad.

In an effort to regain custody, Sam obtains super-powered attorney Rita Harrison's name (Michelle Pfeiffer) from the phone book and audaciously appears in her office.

Efficient, brittle, driven yet miserable, with an emotionally-estranged husband and an angry, neglected son, Harrison is utterly repulsed by Sam, but she eventually takes on his case FOR FREE simply to impress her co-workers.

Since this is as phony a Hollywood story as has ever been written, it is inevitable that Pfeiffer will learn about "the really important things in life" from her clueless client. Like, emotional dysfunction and an I.Q. of 60 notwithstanding, to raise a child in 2002, all you need is love.

THE PITCH: Possibly the phoniest and most offensive film to come out of Hollywood since the Christian-Coalition funded The Spitfire Grill.